One thing I've openly observed about human nature is the struggle of
opening up of issues or beliefs that lie within us. Conviction is a tough thing
to get out of people and worse, to take a stand on. I've always seen conviction
as a two way street. Either we are felt guilty about not doing something we
should have, or others should have been there for us; whether or not the people
felt convicted or not we may never know, but to us we always assume that they’re
in 'the wrong'. Having Asperger's, there have been countless times when I
should have felt convicted because I didn't do something when I should
have...the trouble is I may never have been aware of the error I made. I've discussed this on
many occasions in dealing with memory, but adding that sense of conviction into
my conscientiousness is not always going to be there. I know I've offended
people in the past due to my lack of conviction, but when I'm unaware of their
feelings; it means nothing to me.
I really wish I had the insight to be able
to not only be aware of the things I've said, but also to think carefully
before I say them. Many times it's just bad judgment and, in some cases, the lack
of conviction always seems to do me in. It is kind of ironic that I
received a notice for jury duty and boy, talk about conviction! Because of my Asperger's, I wasn't selected for duty. Speaking of
jury, feeling Guilty is not really the same thing as conviction. Being guilty
is knowing that you've done something wrong, whereas conviction can be a
precursor to something you might do or knowing you've done something
wrong, but no real damage is done.
If you have a personal relationship with
Jesus and the Holy Spirit lives within you then conviction is something we all
know all too well because the internal battle can be very painful. Of course
I'm not necessarily talking about a physical pain, but indirectly it can have
an effect on our body. Conviction can run really deep in people who have the
Spirit of God within them. Granted, there are people who don't have this, but
the conscious feeling can still be there. I guess for me if I didn't have the
Holy Spirit, then I may never have been aware of my errors. I do take a
medication that is supposed to help me be more aware of the things around me
and that had added to my feeling of conviction, but I would like to think it
goes deeper than that. The Holy Spirit is a very powerful being.
If you are autistic and this is a problem
you can identify with, then I can really understand. Even for my daughters, their awareness of the
things around them is getting better, but I still see how they miss certain
moments. I wish I could say becoming more aware just comes with experience, but I'm
not completely sure that's true. Though I am in my 40's, I still have the same
issues I had when I was the girl's age. I think I've gotten better, but I think
this is a case of being able to see from others before I can see it inside
myself. Conviction is a real difficult pill to swallow, especially having Asperger’s,
but it's an issue we'll have to deal with for the rest of our lives.
Song of Inspiration [Check it out on iTunes or Android!]:
Song: "Human"
Artist: Manafest
Album: Fighter
"Cause I where my heart on my sleeve. If you cut I'll bleed. I know I cannot erase every mistake that I made..."
Here's the video to this convicting song:
Song of Inspiration [Check it out on iTunes or Android!]:
Song: "Human"
Artist: Manafest
Album: Fighter
"Cause I where my heart on my sleeve. If you cut I'll bleed. I know I cannot erase every mistake that I made..."
Here's the video to this convicting song:
