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Piece #62 - Elephant in the Room

This by far will be the most difficult entry that I have ever had to ever write. It deals with the one thing that almost every person with Asperger's has to deal with...suicide. {I make this disclaimer: suicide is NEVER the answer to any of your problems!!!} Making that claim and following through are very difficult to manage. I never even like to talk about it because it makes me feel uncomfortable. I've noticed that those kind of thoughts seem to rear their ugly heads when I get under serious distress or panicky. In my mind, it always seems easier to take my life rather than facing the issues that are troubling me. I feel like it's a curse, but I'm never going to let it win and I need to share my thoughts with you about the difficult subject.

I see the whole suicide thing like the Hulk or a Mr. Hyde, that persona that wants to come out and do whatever destructive things that I'm not willing to achieve. I believe every person with this problem envisions how they might go about finishing the act. For me, I've always seen myself committing suicide by shooting myself. I remember having a distant cousin from Oklahoma who did that very thing. When I was teaching in Seneca, we tragically had a student do the same thing, it was spread around that she might have been pregnant, but I was never sure on what was the real truth, and to be honest it didn't matter, a beautiful young woman was gone. The press likes to label teen suicide as being caused by bullying or severe depression, honestly, I don't know what the statistics are or what all the reasons might be, but what matters the most is how can this be stopped. I'm not so sure if maybe some of it would be religious in nature. I know Japan has one of the highest suicide rates in the world and the population is less than 1% Christian. So what does that mean? It could mean a lot of things, if you don't have a faith in something really important; like not being able to see the future, suicide could seem like a viable option. Most Japanese either believe in or Shinto, Buddhism or nothing at all. If you don't have a belief in anything, what kind of an outlook would one have after death? (To me, that would scarier than death itself.)

One fear I have about suicide is that it can be a quick decision where not a lot of thought is put in - just an impulse. I, of course, linger on the thought, but never have I made a snap decision. If you feel like you've had thoughts before, there might be that moment when you make that sudden choice, but you need a way to be able to step back and really think about the repercussions of that judgment. You need an 'out' for just in case you have the suicidal thought. You need to realize that you can be much more than you think, but you have to look past the negativity. Your life is a gift that was given to you and one that you won't have again. Try to remember that it's always darkest before the dawn; the situation that has put you in the suicidal thought won't be with you your entire life. [I realize there are people who are in severe pain and are going through physical suffering, so I know you'd ask me about assisted suicide. I wish I could give you a good direct answer, but sadly that would depend on each individual case and how the Lord would see it...I'm just not sure.]

If you are autistic or know someone with the condition, you don't suddenly have to lock yourself up or be put on suicide watch, but I think it's important to get this out there. I realize if one suffers from depression, suicide can also be on the minds of those who are dealing with this issue. Just keep in mind that one can become depressed while those of us who have Asperger's are born with this condition. I know when my wife first heard about how I almost constantly think about ending my life, it scared and surprised her. She never believed that is how I was thinking deep down. The one thing I have to caution everyone on is the small voice. When my daughter was younger, she said she had a small voice telling her to take pills. We found out later that it was a medication that was causing her to have the voices. For me, I tend to have a song in my head when I'm reminded about my suicidal thoughts and that song is from the opening music to M.A.S.H.; in a way it is rather haunting to have that song to always be there playing in my head.  I do have a voice as well, but the song tends to play more than than the voice and like I stated earlier it mostly happens when I get stressed about a potential conflict or drastic change in my routine. We can't completely shut out the voice in our head; it's just a matter of getting past it and living your life. For me, my belief in Jesus and knowing that there is a heaven after I die is what keeps me alive and trying to help others in the process because the belief is if one commits suicide then you lose your chance to go to heaven. Honestly, I realize there are several different theological theories on this issue, but I see it as a motivator to live this life until the Lord decides when it's time to go...not me. You have to tell yourself that you are better than what the voice might say and that God loves you the way you are...He makes no mistakes because you are perfect in His eyes.

Please feel free to comment or email me if you still have questions. You are never alone.

Hotline Icon If you are experiencing a medical emergency, are in danger, or are feeling suicidal, call 911 immediately.
Suicide Hotline: 800-784-2433
Immediate Medical Assistance: 911

Song of Inspiration [Check it out on iTunes or Android!]:

Song: "I Need A Miracle"

Artist: Third Day

Album: Miracle

No matter how bad you think your life is, God is always there if you simply ask for His help. Here's the video to the Third Day song.

Here's another song for you call "Choose Life" by Big Tent Revival, I thought this might be a nice comforting song to help you realize how important you are to God.


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